Author: ***

New government decree states that birthday cake must be explosive and made of tar.

Birthday cards will be replaced by birthday-drone laser shows.

Books that haven’t been read for over 3 years will automatically self-destruct, using new space-saving technology.

Reflecting changing cultural tastes and values, the Eurovision song contest has gradually been usurped by the World Whisking contest, which this year will be held in Iceland.

A 4th traffic light will be added – it will be purple.

Beards become sentient and learn how to exist independently of their owners.

1 minute of silence is observed in order for proud Britons to consider the Battle of Hastings, 1000 years ago, and how it might have been different if both sides had fought with potatoes.

A new sculpture is unveiled in a field outside Norwich in the UK; a celebration of life, moustaches and eyebrows. The footsteps of so many flocking to see it causes an earthquake measuring 4 on the Richter scale. 

Telephone numbers will be 200 digits long.

After countless unexplained miracles, George Clooney is finally canonised.