Author: ***

Telephone numbers will be 200 digits long.

After countless unexplained miracles, George Clooney is finally canonised.

Shoes will be made from banana skins.

The detritus of human existence will cease to be a burden and will instead become a pleasure.

Anemones will be sold as pets.

London Underground train carriages will be overhauled with padded walls and soft furnishings. Small sections will be allocated for solitary confinement.

Nothing much happened this year.

People will eat using the back of spoons, for health reasons.

Throughout this turbulent year, the world’s population of pink flamingos congregates outside the house of Fred Tuf Ellis in Pickering, North Yorkshire.